Konrad Curze is handsome, but only in a “sewer monster” sort of way. He looks like he crawls out from under a manhole cover at night and eats unwary children. He looks like the thing that pennywise doesn’t want to find in his sewer. He doesn’t look like he knows what soap is, and if he does, he hates it. He looks damp and greasy and horrible, but I appreciate that about him.
This much is better than how Roboute Guilliman looks, because he’s handsome in the dullest way possible. Which to say, he’s so “conventionally handsome” that it loops back around, and he just looks boring. He looks like he’s about to ask me if I know why he pulled me over. He looks like gets excited to do his taxes. He looks like a wartime propaganda poster. He looks like a brand deal for astartes pattern toothpaste, and I hate him.
Neither of them hold a candle to Sangiunius, obviously; but no one does, so it’s ok.
Ok, so since no one whatsoever asked, here are my thoughts on all the other Primarchs, in order of legion:
Lion el’Johnson looks exactly like how you expect something called a Primarch to look. You look at him, nod, say “yeah, that’s about what I expected.” And then you forget that he exists. On a scale from Leman Russ to Sangiunius, he is right in the middle. He is the generic primarch. If he were a spice, he would be flour. Sure, Guilliman is boring, but he’s painfully boring. Lion el’Johnson is just boring. Experiencing Roboute Guilliman as person is like trying to eat a bowl of damp sand. It’s horrible, grating, and most importantly, tastes like nothing. Experiencing Lion el’Johnson as a person is like eating a bowl of unseasoned rice. It’s not horrible, but there’s nothing exciting about it. I genuinely forget he exists until I start to think of his brothers first. I am not unconvinced that he’s not just there to fill space.
Fulgrim is a very handsome man. He looks like an evil, slutty, 17th century statue brought to life. He is sculpted. He is sleek. He is a work of art. He looks like an ad for the Imperium’s equivalent of Sephora. But he’s off to me. The problem is, Fulgrim is a handsome man trying too hard to be a beautiful man. You ever been doing your makeup, or see someone else doing theirs, and whoever’s doing the makeup decides to get experimental? Like, at first it looks good, but then it just suddenly is too much. Like, way too much. He doesn’t look bad, at all. He’s just too much. He has the opposite problem his brother Lion has. Lion has nothing extra. Fulgrim is all extra. He’s a mouthful of glitter. He’s an excess of strawberry syrup and vodka in a fruity alcoholic drink. He’s so handsome and tries so hard to convince you that he’s beautiful, that it just feels weird. It makes you feel like he’s hiding something. I feel like if he just calmed the fuck down, I would understand the thirst other folks have for him, but he just makes me suspicious.
Perturabo is not a good-looking man. He looks like he ran head-first into a wall multiple times as a child. He looks like you would dig him up in a turnip field in eastern Europe. He looks like if an oil rig were a man. He looks like he smells like dirt and engine lubricant (and entitlement). Now, I’ve seen people draw him where he looks handsome. And maybe, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe, just maybe, if you hose all the dirt off of him, get all the grime out from under his nails, get him to moisturize, and shine up his cables, he’d look a little like he does in those drawings. Maybe. I doubt he’d let anyone do that though. or do that himself.
Jaghatai Kahn is an extremely handsome man, who looks like he just arrived off the cover of an eighties heavy metal album. He looks like comes with his own theme music, complete with some kind of dramatic instrumental solo. That lightning bolt on his face looks like it belongs here. If dramatic mist doesn’t roll in when he enters the room, I’ll be disappointed. He is the most underrated Primarch. The only thing potentially bad about him is that he probably smells like horse. No real reason, He just does.
I legitimately cannot tell you whether or not Leman Russ is handsome. People keep drooling over him like he’s the star of a series of wolf-themed romance novels, and I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s an angle thing, but I just don’t see it. I don’t think he looks ugly, but I do think the shitty Scottish accent people give him fits his face. He looks like someone hit him in the face with a shovel as child. Even sober, he looks drunk. He looks like he smells like booze, dirt, and dogs. He looks like if a muddy ford pick-up truck were a man. It fits for him, but just don’t get why people are into him.
Rogal Dorn is a handsome, angular man, and I love him. He looks like he was made with not quite enough polygons in the best way possible. He has the kind of face and body that it just makes sense to make statues of. He is the only man I have ever seen an Otto Von Bismarck style mustache look good on. In fact, in most depictions, he looks worse without it. Most. He still has that jawline and those cheekbones. He looks like he was carved out of stone. The man is built. If he asked me to help him build a wall, I wouldn’t even ask why. I’d just grab a mason’s trowel and go. He thick, He be not quick, but most importantly, he lay brick. I, of course mean this in least sexual way possible. The man has no sexual nature about him, and that only makes me like him more. I even relate to it. Ace rights.
As previously discussed, Konrad Curze is a horrible, grimy man and I like that about him. He looks like belongs in a monster-fucker pinup calendar, and it’s great.
Sangiunius is quite probably the most stunningly beautiful man I have ever seen. Even in that jank ass art of him with the ringlets, he looks amazing. I feel like if were to somehow actually see him in real life, I would weep. He looks the way religious people always describe saints and angels looking in visions. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just has a halo. He looks like a renaissance painting of a martyred saint. I would die for this man. I would kill for this man. Physically speaking, none of his brothers even remotely compare to him. No one does. There is only one Sangiunius, and he is perfect in every way. He is beautiful in a way that transcends sexuality. I’m ace, and I can understand why some one would be attracted to him. He is glorious, and amazing, and I love him so much.
Ferrus Mannus is a man that exists, and he looks like a 90’s action figure. He looks like a Rob Liefeld drawing. Now, I don’t mean he looks ugly. I mean he looks like muscly jarhead who eats sand. That’s really all there is to it. You can like this man and his giant metal yoai hands, and I won’t get it, but I’m going to stop you. You go, y’all. Go enjoy your iron-handed sand man.
Angron looks like hammered dogshit, but given all the horrible things that have happened to him, were I in his shoes, I’d be happy to look like hammered dogshit. He is a man who has been through at least a few hells, and it shows on his face. He is, however, hammered dogshit with excellent biceps and amazing pecs. Also, his warpaint is on point, and he THICC.
As I already said, Roboute Guilliman is a boringly handsome man. He looks like he is designed to sell me things. He is the gratingly safe, clean version of a primarch. And I still hate him.
Mortarion looks terrible. He looks like he died a few years ago and nobody had the heart to tell him. He looks like a bog mummy. Even pre-Nurgle, he looks like he smells like rotting vegetation and paint stripper. He looks like an ominous figure from folklore that stands at the edge of a haunted swamp full of corpses. I don’t even mean to say that he looks ugly. I mean to say he looks terrible. As in, the old sense of the word. His appearance inspires terror. He looks other-worldly. If were to see him, I would need to be convinced he was real. He belongs in the same monster-fucker pinup calendar that Konrad is in.
Magnus the Red is a big, gorgeous man, who looks like he came from the cover of a d&d manual. He looks like if a power metal album were a man. He looks like a JoJo stand, and a stand user at the same time. He looks like an end stage boss in an old RPG. Aesthetically, he’s superb. He belongs in a mural fighting a dragon with space lasers. He’s not for everyone. Truth is, he’d probably be in that calendar Mortarion and Konrad are in. but still. He is a handsome lad.
Horus is handsome, but in a very particular way. He’s classically handsome. He’s the sort of man where your grandma goes “My goodness, what a handsome man.”, but you’re just here like “He looks like Uncle Tony.” And you wonder if you and your grandma are looking at the same man. He’s a sort of handsome that has gone out of style. He’s not ugly by any stretch of the word, but he isn’t the modern ideal of a good-looking man. People say he looks like mister clean, but I don’t really see it. He looks more like Lex Luthor. He has charisma and big dick energy in spades. He looks like he is about to convince you to do something you didn’t want to do. He looks like the gangster you’re meant to root for in old mob movies. He is an evil, charismatic man, and his appearance fits that perfectly.
Lorgar looks like a meme that has had text pasted over the text pasted over the text pasted over the text. He looks like if an old religious text were a man. The only two outfits I have ever seen him in are: his power armor, and a set of monk robes. If I saw in anything other than those two outfits, I don’t think I recognize him. I’d just think he was a really tall word-bearer. Lorgar is a man who looks like a religious relic. He looks like he’s gonna tell me I’m going to hell for wearing a cannibal corpse shirt. He looks like what a room full of evangelicals would summon to try and destroy metal music. He looks like he drinks holy water. I don’t get how anyone can be into this man. He’s like an edgy church pastor. Why.
Vulkan is a big, beefy, wonderful man with a very handsome face. He is a ray of sunshine in man form. I would gladly accept one of his spine-crushing hugs. I could not tell you what he looks like though. He’s just so dark that I simply cannot distinguish his features. The man isn’t black, he’s vantablack. But really, his appearance does not matter. You know that one Roald Dahl quote that’s like: You can have features that a lot of people would consider unattractive, but as long as you’re a kind, nice, decent person, you’ll never really be ugly. I feel like that’s the philosophy that works for describing Vulkan. Like, to clarify, I don’t think that he’s unattractive, but no one can seem to agree on how the fuck he looks. But it doesn’t really matter how he’s drawn or if he’s covered in dirt and soot and grime from his forge, he’s still handsome, because there’s nobody as friendly and nice and generally pleasant to be around as Vulkan.
Corvus Corax is what every goth kid with any sense of taste wishes they were. He looks like the handsome, broody love interest in a gothic romance novel. If you were to put a picture of him in the background of some stereotypical goth kid’s room on tv, it would not look out of place in the slightest. He looks like if he doesn’t sigh dramatically often enough, he will faint. He’s like if a candlemass album were a man and adore how dramatic he is. He looks like he would gently smooch a raven on its little head, and I love it. You go, tired bird man. But please, take a shower.
Alpharius and/or Omegon or Alpharius Omegon is too confusing as a person/people for me to analyze aesthetically. I don’t even know if there’s supposed to be two or one of them. Or more, somehow. I just don’t know. The snake tattoo is cool, I guess. That’s it. I got nothing else.
I throw down my glove at you Sir!/Madame!/Other respectable title!
Roboute Guilliman will pull you over to inform you that your car tires are a bit too flat and he’ll pump them up for you. He’ll know exactly where the screws no one can find in a hardware store are. He will help you with your taxes because he can understand them.
He looks as conventially attractive as possible so his siblings can deal with being in the lime light so he doesn’t have 1000 sycophants squawking at him.
He is the man who can and will take down an unfair system with Corvus Corax and put in place new and fair laws for all! He put heads on pikes because those that held power didn’t want to share their wealth and resources.
This man wishes to exist peacefully and not be troubled by war but suffers and goes along with it anyway because he feels it’s his duty to make things better if he can!
guilliman still believes in philosopher-kings. could not be me
@tzeentchs-secretary Me at the pit, bird.
Roboute Guilliman is a thief and a liar, and not even in the fun, interesting sort of way.
He’s a man who’s had everything in his life given to him on a silver platter, and if it wasn’t, he used diplomacy/power to get it anyway. He’s like the demigod equivalent of a privileged white boy, and I’m disappointed that you’ve chosen to simp for him. He doesn’t need it in the slightest. I fail to see how he has earned anything he has either.
Where his brothers fought, struggled, led revolts, and generally toiled and worked and suffered to get what they had before The Emperor found them, Roboute Guilliman had his empire handed to him by his rich parents. Even Dorn, who is/was arguably also very privileged in his upbringing, had to fight, work, and put broken pieces back together to build his empire. Guilliman was simply picked up by the right set of parents, who gave him everything he has. He’s a damned trust fund baby, and I can’t stand that about him. He’s like that one kid you knew in school who’s parents were loaded and got whatever he wanted, and that kid who grew up to be an adult who uses the money he inherited to continue to do what ever it is that he wants. He’s a spoiled, rich bastard, and the very worst part about it is, he’s not even slightly evil about it.
I’ve seen nothing of the cold, manipulative, Machiavellian sort fellow I would expect from what I know about Roboute Guilliman. Sure, he’s bureaucratic and at times, greedy, but he’s to polite to do anything with it. And that’s the real problem with Roboute Guilliman to me. There are no real flaws to him, nothing of interest for me to sink my teeth into. You know how I said that experiencing him is like eating a bowl of damp sand? I meant that in every sense of the phrase. So perfectly polite, it feels like he’s lying to you, even if he’s telling the truth, like he’s patronizing you just by addressing you. Like he knows that you know that he thinks he better than you, and that he doesn’t care about that at all. But the more egregious sin is that there’s no flavor to him. He’d be almost as generic Lion if he wasn’t so GRATING. He’s a man who acts like he always knows what’s right, and the worst part is, the narrative shows that he always IS, and it sucks, because he hasn’t earned any of it, because of course he hasn’t.
In other words, I hate Roboute Guilliman because he’s an underdeveloped, uninteresting man, because there’s nothing wrong with him. I don’t give a shit about his ken-doll, plastic diplomat smile. I don’t care that he seems nice. I don’t even care if he wants to help me with my taxes. He’s just too perfect, and I cannot trust him for it.
Not a fan of Guilliman but I’ll use this post to show that there are some parts where he finally shows up to be an interesting character:
[He literally spends ¾ pages saying “He’s showing off” to Lion lol]
[Dan Abnett, in Unremembered Empire, did a really good job showing other sides of him and I personally love seeing this “sibling rivalry” between the primarchs]
And, in the 40k:
I know it’s a stupid scene but I admit I’ve laughed very hard at this. I totally wasn’t expecting this.
[I don’t have the original work, so I took that last screen from reddit. Guy Haley, Armour of faith]
Heck, I’m just happy to see most of my favorites have nice things said about them. I even agree to being so used to Rogal with facial hair that pictures without it looking lacking. Not bad, but it’s like ice cream without toppings versus ice cream with toppings. Still good ice cream, but it can be made even better.
As for Lion, I will say that he looks far better with a beard than he did before. Gives him an Authurian brand of handsome. I’m biased because as someone on the spectrum, I kinda identify with him. So if we continue with the rice thing, I will say that he is now rice seasoned with salt and butter, at least. Nothing fancy, but better.
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